Happy about lice

Kid: I’m actually glad I had lice!‬
‪Mom: Why?‬
‪Kid: ‘Cause now I can tell my friends I had lice before!‬

Andie makes me feel old

Me: Oh my gosh, that's so savage.
Andie: OMG DON'T SAY THAT. No one says that anymore.

Happy Fourth of July (2018)!

Me: *rolls up sleeve to examine odd-looking insect bite on left arm. I'm assuming it's an ant bite because we have a lot of those crawling around the house these days, although I have my doubts because it looks too big to be an ant bite*

"Does this look like an ant bite? It's really itchy. I keep scratching it."

Andie: "Hey, at least you're patriotic today! You have some red!" :D

Quote of the day

"These first 10 seconds suck. No bananas. (Ugh.)"

- My brother on trying to beat my high score on Fruit Ninja for a $3 prize

Morning at Rite Aid

As I approached the cashier...

Cashier: Hi. How are you?
Me: Good, how are you? :)

Of course I was expecting her response to be, "Good, thank you. Did you find everything okay today?" or something along those lines.

Then she placed her hand on the small of her back and leaned toward the side.

Cashier: Oh, I have pains!

:/

Baby Cockroach/Tiny Bug Cuddled with my Toothbrush Bristles

And now my toothbrush is in the trashcan.

RIP

Date-I-don't-remember to Oct. 10, 2012

Half-Naked Boy Walks Me Home

Yesterday I came home after a quick trip to the library, and as I walked upstairs to my apartment, I was greeted with the most enthusiastic young male.

"Hi!" he said, as he ran toward the top of the stairs.

It was my three-foot-tall Chinese neighbor!

And as usual, he had no pants.

I smiled as warmly as I could and said, "Hi." :)

I walked past him and made my way to my apartment, and seconds later I heard his tiny footsteps thumping rapidly behind me. He followed me until I got to my door, then watched me walk inside.

Inside somewhere, I'm flattered that somebody walked me home yesterday, even if it was just the little boy next door who only seems to know how to say "hi!!!!!!!!!" and never wears any pants. Someone was still looking out for me. Lol.

Last Night While I was Sleeping I Had a Dream About Being Sleepy

My mom asked me to pick her up in front of a building somewhere, but to get to the car I had to walk up a hill. While I was on my way to the car, all of a sudden I got soooooooooo sleepy and tired that I practically had to crawl the rest of my way to wherever the car was.

I took so long that my mom called my phone (which in this dream ended up actually being my sister's phone - I have no idea why) and told me that she was already late so my dad was going to meet her out front instead.

So I climbed aaaallllllll the way to the top of that hill for nothing???

And then I woke up all frustrated.

-The end.

My Little Chinese Neighbor Went Commando

I came home from school today and to get to the apartment I passed by my neighbor, who has a little Chinese son. I'm guessing he's probably no more than 2 years old.

As I walked past the door the little boy ran outside and started running in my direction.

"Hi, hi, hi!" he said excitedly.

His feet were pounding on the ground.

"Hi!" I said.

"Hi! Hi!" he said.

"Hi!"

I have to go down a couple of steps to get to my door, but he stopped and didn't go down.

I reached into my bag to grab my keys, and then turned around to smile at him.

Except at the level I was at, I ended up looking at his pant-less lower half. (Not that this is new because he runs around the complex [half] naked all the time anyway. But this time his nakedness [and all the other sights you see when little boys run around without pants or underwear] was at eye-level because he was at the top of the steps.)

Then he ran back home, with his little feet thumping on the ground.

What an interesting little event to come home to.

Denny's with Carlo

Carlo: Wanna get pancake puppies?

Me: (Examining the menu trying to figure out what pancake puppies are.)

Carlo: It's like pancakes but in balls.

Me: -__-

---

Carlo: Here, I'm gonna box [this Mac and Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt] for you.

Me: You don't want it?

Carlo: It's like a heart attack on a plate. I'd rather kill you than me.

Political Science Class Discussion

Professor: Have you ever disliked anyone?
Student: At some point, yes.
Professor: Did you hate this person, or did you strongly dislike them?
Student: I strongly disliked them.
Professor: Was this person a male or female?
Student: It was a male.
Professor: Now, you never wanted to rape his sister and impregnate her? That never crossed your mind?
Student: No, not at all!

The point he was making was that some countries have hated each other so much that they were thinking thoughts like that. And he said he purposely said what he said the way he did so it would sound absurd.

I'm a Racist so Brandon Won't Be My Friend Anymore

One of my former classmates looks Caucasian, but I found out he's a member of the National Association of Black Journalists. I found that amusing and ironic, so I decided to text Brandon about it. Here's how the rest of our text messaging conversation went after I told him:

Brandon: Dude you're a racist. I don't think I should be friends with you anymore
Me: Im sorry i couldn't help it. We're all racist. I thought it was more funny than offensive. My bad.
Brandon: Your despicable display of prejudice has left me no choice but to sever all ties with you. I bid you good day.

:(

"Can a 15 year old get a visectomy?"

One of the more amusing discussions on Yahoo! Answers:

A Note About Bassoons

A very musically inclined friend of mine yesterday said:

"If you play the lowest note on the bassoon, it sounds like a fart."

Drive Slowly for Stupid Dogs

Taken at Chantry Flats, Calif.

Waxies Aren't Hand Dryers

I went to mass today and at the end the priest announced that in the new restroom facilities, for some reason people seemed to be using the toilet seat covers to dry their hands. He said hand dryers are available, and suggested that the congregation use those. He added that tissue paper was found in the trash can. "That's what the toilet is for," he said.

That was an unusual announcement to close the mass with.

Mother's Day Morning 2011

This morning Andie blew her nose into a sheet of Kleenex, then pulled out her iPod to illuminate the used Kleenex so she could look at her snot.

(Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!)

Adventures at Barnes & Noble

Just saw some amusing book titles at Barnes & Noble today:

(I was looking at the black book)

---
Happy Easter!

"I did not have a nose job"

When I walked into class this morning this was the first item on my professor's agenda:

"No, I did not have a nose job. I had a skin cancer removed. Remember to wear sunscreen!"

(It was only after reading this that I noticed she had a band aid over her nose.)

10-year-old Girl Wants a Beard

Me: Do you guys know anyone from this list of celebrities? [reads random celebrity names]
Andie: Hm... [thinking, strokes beardless chin] I wish I had a beard to stroke.

*Andie is my 10-year-old cousin who often does and says random things, which is why she's featured in my blog a lot.