Denny's with Carlo

Carlo: Wanna get pancake puppies?

Me: (Examining the menu trying to figure out what pancake puppies are.)

Carlo: It's like pancakes but in balls.

Me: -__-

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Carlo: Here, I'm gonna box [this Mac and Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt] for you.

Me: You don't want it?

Carlo: It's like a heart attack on a plate. I'd rather kill you than me.

Political Science Class Discussion

Professor: Have you ever disliked anyone?
Student: At some point, yes.
Professor: Did you hate this person, or did you strongly dislike them?
Student: I strongly disliked them.
Professor: Was this person a male or female?
Student: It was a male.
Professor: Now, you never wanted to rape his sister and impregnate her? That never crossed your mind?
Student: No, not at all!

The point he was making was that some countries have hated each other so much that they were thinking thoughts like that. And he said he purposely said what he said the way he did so it would sound absurd.

I'm a Racist so Brandon Won't Be My Friend Anymore

One of my former classmates looks Caucasian, but I found out he's a member of the National Association of Black Journalists. I found that amusing and ironic, so I decided to text Brandon about it. Here's how the rest of our text messaging conversation went after I told him:

Brandon: Dude you're a racist. I don't think I should be friends with you anymore
Me: Im sorry i couldn't help it. We're all racist. I thought it was more funny than offensive. My bad.
Brandon: Your despicable display of prejudice has left me no choice but to sever all ties with you. I bid you good day.

:(

"Can a 15 year old get a visectomy?"

One of the more amusing discussions on Yahoo! Answers:

A Note About Bassoons

A very musically inclined friend of mine yesterday said:

"If you play the lowest note on the bassoon, it sounds like a fart."

Drive Slowly for Stupid Dogs

Taken at Chantry Flats, Calif.

Waxies Aren't Hand Dryers

I went to mass today and at the end the priest announced that in the new restroom facilities, for some reason people seemed to be using the toilet seat covers to dry their hands. He said hand dryers are available, and suggested that the congregation use those. He added that tissue paper was found in the trash can. "That's what the toilet is for," he said.

That was an unusual announcement to close the mass with.

Mother's Day Morning 2011

This morning Andie blew her nose into a sheet of Kleenex, then pulled out her iPod to illuminate the used Kleenex so she could look at her snot.

(Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!)

Adventures at Barnes & Noble

Just saw some amusing book titles at Barnes & Noble today:

(I was looking at the black book)

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Happy Easter!

"I did not have a nose job"

When I walked into class this morning this was the first item on my professor's agenda:

"No, I did not have a nose job. I had a skin cancer removed. Remember to wear sunscreen!"

(It was only after reading this that I noticed she had a band aid over her nose.)

10-year-old Girl Wants a Beard

Me: Do you guys know anyone from this list of celebrities? [reads random celebrity names]
Andie: Hm... [thinking, strokes beardless chin] I wish I had a beard to stroke.

*Andie is my 10-year-old cousin who often does and says random things, which is why she's featured in my blog a lot.

Pec Support

I was driving through the mountains today and I saw a man jogging wearing what looked like a green sports bra. He didn't have moobs or anything, but I guess some guys also need those things? Really did not know that until today.

Another Conversation with Ralph

Me: So I was reading this romance novel... you know what happens when people love each other?
Ralph: They make pancakes :)

Prisoner Wants Pen Pals

*This was actually a classified ad in the January 2011 issue of Harper's Magazine.

Baseball

Today while I was driving to school a baseball flew over a tall fence and hit my car. I thought this kind of thing only happened movies.

Creepy Much?

Today I stopped by Rite Aid, and there was some psycho woman yelling loudly about how she should have been a prostitute so she "could have killed them all!!!"

Kay Kay's Thoughts on Ginobli

Agnes: Hey the Lakers are playing the Spurs today!

Noah: Wait, the Lakers are your team right?

Agnes: Yeah.

Noah: The Spurs are my team. Manu Ginobli!

Agnes: More people know who Kobe Bryant is than Ginobli.

Kay Kay: Ginobli? That sounds like a booger! [Pretends to pick her nose] Hey look [staring at an invisible booger], a ginobli!

The Spurs play against the Lakers tonight at 10:30 EST.

Eventful Afternoon

- Earlier today some guy came up to me and asked, "How about you? Would you like to buy a panda?" Uh... I didn't, so I said no. He walked away mumbling in an upset tone.

- A bird relieved itself while I was driving. Its droppings landed on my windshield.

Uncle Attempts to be Funny and Witty

My cousin Andie has a friend named Mary who came over last night. My uncle joked around saying he wanted to ask her where all her lamb were.

Therese on Eggs

"I don't really like scrambled eggs. I think its because of the inconsistency of the texture. I like sunny side up way better." - December 29, 2010

Uh... Duh

Just a reminder for those who might forget we're not supposed to do this.

Bus Stop Adventure: Downtown LA

Last week while I was waiting at a bus stop in Downtown LA, I encountered a few things:

1. A lesbian couple. One had her hand over the other's butt, and one was sharing with her better half how somebody had called her a vagina face.

2. An old man. He was standing to my right and I saw him glancing at me periodically with my peripheral vision. He turned toward me, sneezed loudly, then turned his head back to the direction he was looking at in the first place.

3. Two girls. They were standing several feet away from the old man, and they were laughing somewhat obnoxiously.

It Wasn't a One-Legged Bird

I saw this bird several days ago and was all amazed because it only had one leg! But I was wrong because it dropped its other leg down which it had been holding up in its feathers, probably to keep warm.

Kay Kay Attempts to be Funny

Me: Are you watching Lost?
Kay Kay: No, I'm watching Found.

Limited Artistic Abilities

This past week I played a game called "Cranium." During the game I had to draw spaghetti straps without using symbols or letters and have my group guess what I drew. This is what I came up with:

My group failed that round. Some people thought I drew cells or mitochondrial DNA.