Monday, December 6, 2010

Life Lesson: Don't Microwave Eggs

... or you'll end up with something this:

*Egg mess courtesy of Abbie R.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Schizo Dude

I was waiting for the bus home a few hours ago when this one guy approached me to ask if I had a quarter. I had one in my pocket and began to reach for it, but then out of nowhere the guy suddenly flung his arms up in the air and loudly yelled, "WHAT THOUGHTS???" at his reflection (he was standing in front of two clear doors). That scared the life out of me.

I pulled out my cell phone and started fiddling around with it, hoping the man would go away. After about a minute or so of staring at himself and mumbling some more, he eventually walked away to ask another lady for 25 cents. Unfortunately, he didn't get a quarter. Then he walked into the Flame Broiler near the bus stop.

I bet he was schizophrenic.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Conversation with Eron

Eron: Did you know that Hitler killed 6 million Jews and a clown?
Me: What the hell? He killed a clown?
Eron: See, nobody cares about the Jews.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Conversations with Ralph

Ralph: Can you send me some contacts (for Skype)?
Me: What? Send you some condoms???
Ralph: Where's your video (on Skype)?
Me: Why? I'm tired and I look like shit.
Ralph: I wanna see what shit looks like.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Buddha Pees?

Earlier this evening there was a glass full of water on the kitchen counter with a brown plastic Buddha figurine floating face down at the top. It belonged to my 10-year-old cousin, who said she put it there because she wanted to see if it still peed. She wasn't sure if the toy was supposed to be put in cold water and then hot water for Buddha to urinate, or the other way around. She's probably going to get back to it sometime this week.

The toys they make these days...

Saturday, September 25, 2010


Saw this inside a bathroom stall at school. I thought it was weird that whoever wrote it wouldn't "be made useless!" Then I realized these were lyrics to a song. Still, writing lyrics inside a bathroom stall is odd.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Squirrels are extremely difficult to photograph. They're constantly scurrying all over the place, twitching and moving around. Over the weekend I attempted to take pictures of one that fell into a trashcan:

Take #1

While this one's still got a lot of issues, I think it turned out better than the first one. Before I could move over to angle myself so that the stair rail on the left wouldn't be visible, yup - the squirrel moved so that all I could see was it's rear.

Take #2

Monday, September 6, 2010

Excerpts from "11,002 things to be miserable about"

Belly button lint
Magazine articles that tell you your flaws are beautiful
Premature ejaculation
Accidentally ingesting rat poison
Intentionally ingesting rat poison
Waxing your bikini line
Not waxing your bikini line
Greasy men in overalls
The link between vaccination and autism
The link between nonvaccination and death
People who have more Facebook friends than you
Fucking the police
Fashion shoots where models are dressed like homeless people
People who pay money to defecate on others
Mysterious diseases that baffle doctors and then kill you
Being told to go fuck yourself
People who look happy all the time
Mistaking an orgasm for a seizure
Mistaking a seizure for an orgasm
Dead people who can only be identified by their dental records
Suicidal ignorance
The thousands of Chinese people who lost their homes with no reimbursement so the Chinese government could make way for the Olympics
Buying babies
Not realizing that the smallest details of your life are part of a vast geopolitical chain of death and oppression
Dating an amateur artist who is always asking you to pose nude and then sketching unflattering drawings
Celebrities who discuss their longing for privacy in nationally broadcast interviews


Monday, August 30, 2010


My school's got a table and chairs inside one of the bathrooms. I wonder if people hang out in there or something.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Some Stuff About Vegas

1. If you're 18 but not 21, you're generally limited to the same activities that minors are allowed to engage in - like playing games at the arcade and watching movies at the theater.

2. There are a lot of little cards scattered all over the streets with photos of women's breasts. (Not the best place to take the children.)

3. Realistically, Sin City probably isn't the best place to attempt to spread God's word. So to that man preaching about Jesus on the street that one evening, maybe seeing the guy who pulled down his pants and his unattractive behind was a wake up call. Disapproving and saying, "This isn't San Fransisco" wasn't going to do any good: you were right, Las Vegas isn't San Fransisco - it's Las Vegas.

4. Don't take hooker cards from the men and women handing them out in hopes of discouraging other weird people from handing you more. Announce you have one, and they'll insist you take more stripper flyers. Why? They'll probably think you're genuinely interested in paying for a blond bombshell.

5. I know Fatburger is a national franchise, but I'd never been there until I visited Vegas. Notice the "Fat Salad." Bit ironic isn't it?

Monday, August 23, 2010


One of my friends shared his thoughts about girls with me today:

"Girls are stupid. I mean, I think they're pretty and smell nice, but I still think they're stupid."

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

In Downtown Los Angeles...

... trashcans have to be chained to grounded objects. Perhaps so they don't get stolen.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

PDA on the Street

I was on the bus earlier, and it passed by two young people on the street who just started making out. The driver was so repulsed by this sighting that he beeped his horn at the couple.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Justin Who?

My uncle frequently attempts to humor the family by tossing out punch lines and "jokes." My cousin is slightly obsessed with Justin Bieber, and in a continuing effort to be funny my uncle periodically asks her, "Do you like Justin Bieber [Beaver] or Justin Platypus? I like Justin Platypus."

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Rotting Tooth

I was cleaning out some drawers today when I stumbled across an object that turned out to be my little cousin's rotting baby tooth. It must've been in there for at least a few months.

Monday, July 12, 2010


Today I walked into a clothing rack, tripped on my left foot while walking down some stairs, and got my left hand scratched by my friend. Not one of my best days.

Friday, July 9, 2010

American Currency Only

I was on the bus today when this one guy came on and repeatedly failed to deposit a coin in the machine.

The guy said he didn't know that the bus, which was in America, didn't take non-American coins.

The bus driver, who was pretty pissed off and seemed like she hated her job, chucked the coin to the window and announced, "For those of you who don't know, we only take American currency. The machines are designed to filter out foreign currencies. We don't take $2 coins, pesos, or Chuck E Cheese [coins]."

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Cockroach Chow Mein

I was strolling around Downtown L.A. today when I decided to grab some lunch with my friend at this Chinese restaurant that was recommended by my friend's coworker.

For a little over $4 I got a bowl with a lot of chow mein and some orange chicken. The place really looked like Panda Express, but it didn't charge nearly as much and I got more food, so I was pretty satisfied. But then I started eating some of the noodles and by the time I was about to shove my third fork down my throat I saw a baby cockroach in my chow mein. It was gray, it was dead (thank God), and it was really gross. The thought of the cockroach floating around in the noodles while it was being cooked made me hurl. Mentally anyway.

On the bright side, I suppose, I got my $4+ back from the extremely panic-stricken workers.

I really hope that was the only bug in my bowl of chow mein.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Belly Button

Earlier today I saw this man with such a round belly that his belly button poked out. I thought belly buttons only popped out in pregnant women.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Good Sit!

I overheard this lady telling her dog to sit. Eventually, the dog sat.

"Good dog! Good sit! That was a good sit!"

How does a dog sit good?

Thursday, April 15, 2010



If you look at the word long enough, it starts to look that way.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


I was crossing the street today when this old guy, who was also crossing the street, stuck out his left arm and yelled, "Charge!!!" like one of those battle cries in the movies.

When we both got across to the next block, he turned around to me and asked how I was.

I said I was good, and then I watched him walk into this coffee shop.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Feeling Abused

I got whacked on the head with a semi-folded piece of paper by my editor today. Not just once - but three times.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Duck Heads

I watched a video in class today about the Hutterites (a very traditional religious society).

There was a part in the video that showed ducks being shoved upside down into several open-ended canisters.

And then they showed the Hutterites slicing off the duck heads.

It was really difficult for me to concentrate on the rest of the video after seeing those ducks with blood squirting out of their necks and squirming around in the canisters even after their heads were gone.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

From the Intellectual Minds of Community College Students

Location: study cubicle at my school's library.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Asian Guy Tries to be Funny

Today I attended a meeting at school, and this one Asian guy walks in late. I think his name was Justin.

Club President: Why're you late?
Justin: What? Why're you saying that? Just because I'm Asian?
Club President: You're playing the race card on me...
Justin: I've never played the race card on anyone. I've just played the arcade racecar!

That joke lacked so much humor that it made me laugh.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Giggle Guy

Yesterday, while I rode the bus home, I sat next to a large guy who compulsively giggled under his breath every few minutes.

Imagine sitting next to a guy giggling every few minutes for 15 minutes...

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Body Odor & Men's Cologne

Today, at the gym, I was surrounded by a bunch of sweaty guys. I was also surrounded by the strong stench of their sweat and men's cologne.

Body odor + really strong men's cologne = air that burns people's noses when they breathe in.

(Guys should NOT bathe themselves in cologne before going to sweat themselves out at the gym.)

Monday, January 25, 2010

Snot Spit

Today I saw a man blow his nose as if he were spitting. He just blew and let his snot fly to the ground. It was gross.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Dental Flosser

Saw one lying in the middle of the street today. Wonder how it got there...